What am I doing with my life?
Whenever anyone asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, I thought it was an imagination game, and I hadn’t really grasped that one day I would actually be grown up.
Here I am now and still haven’t figured out what to do with my life. Sure, I have jumped through all the various hoops of life presented to me at each step of the way, such as university, graduate training scheme, professional education, work experience, promotions and I’ve worked hard to get skills and knowledge, but not really considered if it was actually where I wanted to be heading. I was simply just doing what was expected of me work-wise like a sheep.
And all the time I could hear a little voice inside saying something wasn’t quite right. I would wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread and just fight my way out of bed to just get on with it, as surely everyone else is having to do the same thing too? I’d live for my two week (too weak) holidays, and my weekend escapades. I’d look round at my grey office, everyone in grey uniforms in their little cubicles, eyes glued at a screen, completely disconnected to each other and to life itself, rushing to get something done, shuffling bits of paper around. Sadly, the highlight of my day was lunch time. I’d look up to my managers and be uninspired and know I didn’t want to become them. The future looked grey and meaningless. But this was the only world I knew at the time — meeting up with friends in similar jobs who seemed to be fine with this way of life, my parents drumming into me that life is hard work and is about knuckling down — just get on with it.
Until years on, I physically couldn’t bring myself to type into the spreadsheets anymore, the block became so strong. I remembered I was a soul having a human experience and I was ALIVE, and I will do ANYTHING other than this boring drudgery.
At first comes the euphoria of endless possibilities, as a new world opens up of opportunities. Realisations come in that I could run away and join the circus, become a Hollywood actress, be the next Mother Theresa, save the rainforests, grow dreadlocks and live the hippy life, retrain as a dance psychotherapist, become a TV presenter, run away to Argentina to become a tango dancing pro… ANYTHING. And of all the possible lives I ever could have had… I CHOSE TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT. What was I thinking?! WAHHHH. I had the world at my feet, Oxford-educated, young and eager, a sharp mind and a great imagination, and I fell for for the bloody milkround’s marketing of joining an accounting firm. Sometimes I find this absolutely hilarious that I chose to do a job so unsuited to me, and sometimes I am so angry at myself for falling into the trap of expectations.
However, once the mind explosions have died down, you feel you need to take a realistic step forward. You need a job. You need money.
So I typed into google, ‘Jobs London’.
….Of course googling ‘Jobs London’ is not going to land you your dream work, just as swiping on tinder isn’t going to find you your soul mate! Although google possibly might be better than the career service at school. Career transitioning requires some mega soul searching, getting to know yourself deeply, some patience and a lot of false turns. It is part of your Hero’s Journey — you get the knock on your door, you choose to ignore it at first, then you realise you have no choice, it is your destiny. You have to get out of your comfort zone, find your path, go on a treacherous adventure and slay those dragons!
The call to adventure starts with getting in tune with the whispers of your soul. Ok… so sometimes my soul gets really frustrated with me that it shouts.
When I was at Flower Power in Pacha, Ibiza, listening to Jon Bon Jovi’s song “It’s your life, it’s now or never”, I received a strong message that will resonate in my ears for the rest of my life: YOU ARE ON EARTH TO CREATE.
I’ve been going through a long stage of exploration, going to workshops, talks, events, festivals, retreats, have had mind blowing coaching and met incredible mentors, gone travelling, attended courses (highly recommend Escape The City), joined communities full of other seekers, and connected with the most incredible people who were on their paths too. To start the journey, you need to open up your mind. Expose yourself to new ideas, new ways of being, different types of people, to get out of your bubble. Oh and for me, the most incredible thing has been dancing: Dance Movement Psychotherapy, Ecstatic Dance, 5 Rhythms, Trance Dance and any other sort of embodied practices to connect deeply with your body’s wisdom and enter alternative states of consciousness.
Then there’s the Trials and Failure stage. This last year I have been doing SO many different creative endeavours, simply to be open to try things out. I have been a dance facilitator with PopUp Boogie, a host for BOOM! dance parties, an immersive improv comedy performer with Tropicana Fantasea collective, a DJ for Morning Gloryville, an online party consultant for corporate events and Secret Cinema, a Complimentary Drink for corporate zoom experiences, I hosted speed dating events, curated connection events and ran Authentic Relating workshops at an EDUK retreat. I joined the collective of artists that is Co-Reality Collective, and I produced, performed and facilitated a whole year’s worth of online festivals, including at online Burning Man. It has been a whirlwind! A lot of things don’t work or come to a natural end, some things I thought I would love but ended up not enjoying, some things were beautiful and I adored doing but there wasn’t appetite for it. Sometimes you completely mess up and have to face the embarrassment. And you just must pick up your feet and carry on trying! I’m grateful for all the amazing people I have worked/played with, all the glorious joyous experiences, all the skills I’ve picked up and the wonderful opportunities to be creative. What a ride it has been.
What now? Death & Rebirth. I know something big is coming. I have let go of lots of things recently, shedding away old layers of myself and stepping in my ‘NO’, for things not right for me. I’ve been feeling confused, low, frustrated, wondering what it is all about, having an existential crisis. I don’t know what I would do without the presence of my housemates listening to me, holding space for my changeable moods and being unconditional supporters (note to housemates: LOVE YOU!)
I choose to get in alignment with who I truly am and be a channel for what is meant to be for me. Am learning to get comfortable in the unknown, grounding and preparing. Excited and nervous about what is about to be birthed. YIKES…!
