“Why are you not married?”
A question asked to me, meant as a compliment.
As if to say, you are such a catch, how is it possible that no-one has snapped you up? Surely you have so many suitors queuing up to be with you?
I wasn’t flattered, instead I got defensive about the question.
Firstly, is it meant to be a goal of mine to get married? Is it a measure of “success” to get wed? I’ve never been one of those girls who fantasises about their wedding day, wedding dress, who their bridesmaids are going to be, what the colour scheme of the napkins will be. To be honest, being someone’s wife kinda scares me. Listening to the vows at other people’s weddings makes me wonder if people really have thought long and hard about what they are actually SAYING — you only have one life and you are going to spend every single year you live until you die, dedicated to THIS ONE PERSON. Like for forever. But people change! It feels like a trap to me. What an absolutely humongous decision to make.
Oh my, does this mean I am a commitment phobe? What is wrong with me?!
I feel safer creating a network of people in my life, friends of all ages and from all walks of life, male and female, tapping into various communities, knowing different people round the world. Always meeting new friends. And going to places where you feel such a great sense of connection with your fellow man/woman — say when travelling and at festivals. Connecting to mankind at large. Dedicating myself to one person feels scary, what if this one and only person dies and all your shared memories are gone? Can I not just roam around the world in the years I have been given as a human in the body of Iona doing exactly what I want, and not be tied to another? Is getting married written in the ‘How To Be Human’ guide as a necessary thing to do? Do I NEED to get married?
Then there’s the shared bank account in a married couple. Sharing of all your assets, that frightens me most. It was only in 1975 when women gained the right to open a bank account in their own name. That is fairly recently in history, so as an unmarried woman who has huge gratitude to feminist movements, I want to enjoy my very own bank account! It has been 150 years now since women stopped being the property of men, and only since 1974 could women get a mortgage without a male co-signer. Huh! I am so lucky to have my own house and to earn my own money. My poor female ancestors, they did not have the same privileges I have. I really want to spend my money how I like, and not have to agree to someone else’s idea of a budget, I want that freedom. I have that freedom.
Although putting my defensiveness aside, taking a break from the dreaded patriarchy arguments against marriage, and moving my thinkings towards the more romantic notion that marriage is a glorious symbol for devotional love… it has created a question in my mind… do I have blocks to love I need to explore? Everyone else managed to find a spouse effortlessly. Am I deliberately avoiding a long term partnership, by sabotaging the possibility of it in various ways? Am I unable to go to the ultimate intimacy of merging with another in all of the ways, avoiding society’s ultimate goal of tying the knot with another human. Now of course I can’t just pick ANYONE. This special person who is my chosen one out of all the other billions on the planet, must be someone I share everything with emotionally, financially, physically, playfully, socially; this person is my holiday partner, my housemate, my lover, my best friend, my therapist, my movie watching partner; this person’s mental state, family and job is going to have a huge impact on my life. It is a really big deal to go ALL IN with this one person. It isn’t like choosing a job and then deciding you don’t like it and changing jobs. Getting married is a final kind of thing. Maybe other people don’t overthink it and just dive straight in and give it a go…? See what happens, hope for the best? It seems too big a decision for me to make!
Are many people questioning why I am not married? I hate those forms where you have to tick boxes to say if you are ‘single’, ‘married’ or ‘divorced’ — at least if you got divorced you tried it, good for you for trying. There must be something wrong with Iona. She is too fussy. She can’t settle down. She is not compatible with anyone. She is too independent, too free-spirited, she can’t choose, she can’t commit, she’s not willing to work on a relationship and gives up too easily, she is too head in the clouds, she did not focus properly on bagging a husband like she should have done in her 20s, how unfortunate. It is too late now. On the shelf. She is going to be miserable for the rest of her days…
Well, this may come as a surprise to people, but I am so in love with life and happy with everything in it! Yes it is possible to be living a fulfilled life as an unmarried woman. Marriage is not the only path. I feel surrounded by love and support, and live each day with curiosity about what is going to be revealed to me next. I enjoy exploring love in all its flavours — my love for each person in my life is so unique, it brings out a different part of me. My self-love journey has been super powerful. And then unconditional love and tapping into all that love energy that runs through the universe!
But love directed into your one chosen human that you legally contract with to spend the rest of your existence with? Wow.
It would have to feel like an unquestionable natural thing to do, to partner up indefinitely because of some super strong connection and deep understanding, with some excellent human who is championing me. What matters most is our own growth, and I see a partnership as being a way of accelerating each other’s soul’s development in a nourishing, supportive and beautiful way. And so far my soul has developed best without marriage being part of that journey, that is just what has happened in my life destiny so far.
So a new question, ‘WILL you ever get married?’
Watch this space. I am not ruling it out. I am most definitely not scrambling around trying to find any person who ‘will do’, to say ‘I do’ to. However, to have one incredible person who is dedicated to me, loving me entirely every day, and for me to give that back too — now that’s got to be pretty special.
