I’m a mono girl in a poly world (Part 1)
A few years ago, the only insight I had into polyamory was when I watched the Louis Theroux documentary on the subject, which I squirmed most of the way through, finding it quite bizarre. To me it seemed like an ideology that was quite radical, and not ‘normal’.
Yet now I find myself in a relationship with someone who identifies as polyamorous.
How did I get here? Well I guess it was only a matter of time, as I’ve been hanging out in alternatives circles, where people challenge the status quo. I have been trying to break free from a world I was finding stuffy, and wanting to open up my mind to new possibilities. I wasn’t keen on following expectations from others to get on the relationship escalator, and wanting to live life on my terms and not society’s expectations. I really don’t want a knight in shining armour to save me, as if me getting married will make my life magically better. I was ready to rip up the rule book and find a new path that felt authentic to me, which required some exploration.
I’ve been attracted to connection events, where everyone is friendly and there is a feeling of oneness and togetherness. It is SO refreshing to be welcomed with smiling, open-hearted new people. Compare this to weddings I attend as a singleton and am surrounded by people who present themselves in pairs, who look at me sympathetically as I have failed to bag myself a husband. Or compare it to people who met at university and set up their friends-for-life closed group, and no one else can join their exclusive club. I guess I am polyamorous when it comes to friendships, I love making new connections, feel that my capacity for connection is abundant, and I am open to a constantly evolving friendship circle; I haven’t closed the door to new possible future friends.
Then there is the influence of burner parties, which are based on the 10 Burning Man principles. They have changed my mind in many ways in getting me to gain new perspectives on life. I was introduced to ‘cuddle puddles’, groups of people cuddling and intertwined with each other, often in a big pile. It feels so nourishing and warm, I am transported back to the womb it feels so safe. When you relax into it, you don’t know whose leg / arm / belly / chest you are resting on / being rested on is whose, and you become a group blob. When I first did it, I felt like I was merging into everyone else, no longer separate, and experiencing the holy grail of oneness. Sure, I have experienced the comfort of having a boyfriend wrap his arms around me, but a group of people’s touch and weight sharing is a whole new ball game of wonderfulness.
I started to notice that the people I was meeting at the events I was attending, including at ecstatic dance, workshops and at festivals, were super open, warm and affectionate. And that polyamorous people were attracted to these events too, so I was meeting more people who had these alternative ways of relating. Perhaps it only a matter of time that I would head in the poly direction too.
My curiosity was piqued as I was considering the benefits of having multiple partners simultaneously. Why stick with one when you can have more? More love, more support, more variety, more sex, more relationships you can experience and grow in? It sounds like a great idea in principle!
Except that, in matters of romance and sexual interaction my heart is monogamous.
I wish I could open myself up to more people. I have questioned if my monogamy mindset is just social conditioning, just as the drive to get a ring on the finger is for others. If I read enough books on the subject, or hung out with more poly people and went to poly parties, could I shift over?
Does everyone has the capacity to become polyamorous with a bit of effort? Or is it a sexual orientation? All I know is that right now, I only want to be romantically and sexually involved with one partner at a time. And I have tried to open up, I really have! I have flirted, dated and been intimate with other men during my poly relationship and it just doesn’t feel right in my body, it doesn’t feel like an added benefit to have…more.
Yet my partner is wired in a way that desires others.
This leaves me having to deal with the feelings that come up when you see your partner interact and kiss other people, and just knowing that your partner wants to be with other people. I have never been jealous about my monogamous boyfriends having female friends, the trust is there that it is truly staying in the friendship zone. But a poly boyfriend hanging out with girls who are friends — you never know when this may cross over into something more-than-friends, as the emotional bond increases. Their attention is elsewhere. Their heart is activated and eyes lit up by someone new.
This has completely opened up a whole host of intense emotions: jealousy, fear, sadness, anger, feeling not enough, feeling abandoned, feeling not special, feeling unloved, comparing myself to others, noticing my competitive streak coming out wanting to be ‘top dog’, having to realise that he is not ‘mine’, frustration at having to share him with others, a loss of feeling of safety, feeling betrayed… to name only a few! Not believing he actually loves me despite his claims he does entirely and deeply, cos how could he love another if he loves me?
And that is the poly way — dealing with all of this.
To be continued…
