I’m a mono girl in a poly world (Part 2)
The theory in polyamory is that it isn’t being with someone else that hurts, it is when it’s done behind your back without you knowing that the trust is broken, and that is the true betrayal. Lying is the real enemy. So as long as everyone consents to what is going on, and you set clear boundaries, then what a glorious time of free love we can have. We could experience ‘compersion’ — the joy of your partner being happy with someone else.
Except for me, even if I know about it, or have even agreed to it, it still HURTS. Like hell. It invades my thoughts, keeps me up at night, makes me compare myself to others, and breaks any sense of safety I had in the comfort of a partner. It reduces my feelings of closeness to a partner, which forces me to have to love myself harder… is this a good thing?
If you love someone, you have to accept everything about them and let them be the person they truly want to be, not hold them back. So if your partner wants freedom to explore others more intimately, who am I to prevent their desires? Better I deal with my own internal hurt and pain by myself, maybe this is great self-development to face my own shadows. I’d rather not reveal that nasty trait of being possessive to want sexual and emotional exclusivity from someone — far too demanding.
The thing is though, when I’m feeling anxious about the next time an attractive girl walks by that might catch his eye, and experiencing feelings of disassociation to deal with the one I love enjoying a connection with another, I am no longer being my best self. So I can’t be in service to others, or be the best version of myself, as I go into a lower vibrational state of fear and sadness. And it frustrates me that my creativity shuts down. I am too busy licking my wounds about not being special enough or good enough to offer anything to anyone else. I feel exposed that I have allowed someone in so intimately, trusted them with my dreams, fears and secrets, and allowed them physically into my body.
When a beautiful soul connection is formed between the divine masculine and the divine feminine, it is a sacred union. There is a deeper treasure within me that not everyone gets access to. It is tender and precious, and it is not revealed just to anyone; only the bravest and honourable hearts have the privilege to get close. And when that soul connection is set alight in glorious technicolour, it is pure magic. So when he is with another, or sniffing around for someone else, it doesn’t just hurt my pride and pierce my heart, but it also pains me on a cosmic soul level.
How can little old me, a one-woman-band, compete with a whole orchestra of others?! A glittering future of babes coming his way, a whole playground of awesome people to connect with, or just stick with one person. I can’t win.
I start to think how lucky people are to have the safety of a husband who has publicly committed to them for the rest of their lives, promised exclusivity, and all those worries that I have not being present. It now feels so romantic to implicitly trust a person to be with only you and want to build a future together with you, not distracted by new women.
For me, polyamory doesn’t feel like true love. And I don’t want this torture in my life anymore. So I am choosing conscious monogamy. I am choosing the coming together of divine masculine and divine feminine in sacred union. I am choosing a monogamous man.
Polyamory has been a rollercoaster, and I thank it for all the incredible lessons. I shall continue to enjoy loving many in friendships, and expanding my heart infinitely with the universal love of Agape. But I am saving the ultimate big time romantic and sexual love for one person. The One.