Dance Movement Psychotherapy — my reflections
I have just completed a 10 week term of group experiential DMP (Dance Movement Psychotherapy) as part of a DMP Foundation course I am doing at Goldsmiths University. It involves a group weekly session which is structured with a 30 minute verbal check in at the start, a 30 minute movement exploration in a group where there is no talking and whatever emerges just naturally comes out, a 30 minute open discussion, and then 30 minutes of writing.
Before this course I don’t think I was truly able to express my feelings vocally to others, and I was feeling stuck. I really have come on a long way since then and feel open enough to share my thoughts, so here is my self-reflection of the experience. E:motions are energy in motion, so I put myself into motion and then it all started flowing.
Through the embodiment of my feelings and thoughts, and allowing myself to move in authentic ways, I was able to get closer to who I really was, and what was bubbling in my subconscious or unconscious was able to emerge and reveal itself to me. When we danced as a group, what happened on the dance floor was a representation of my reality in my life, what my role is in the world, what behaviours I have and what impact I have on others. It was a great playground for exploration; my patterns in life became clear and I was able to observe the subtleties of my nature.
The beginning of the term started off awkwardly with some discontent amongst the group, which impacted bonding of the ground that I longed for. A role I had as a child was as a peace-maker, being a middle child in a dysfunctional family, and I was trying hard to be enthusiastic in my dancing to deflect the frustrated mood, or to act as a sort of social glue to stick everyone together. I would move around the dance-floor trying to shine some light on people and give them an uplifting encounter, and encourage people to come together. I have become aware of these people-pleasing tendencies in my life outside of DMP, and however lovely that may be to others, I am making a conscious effort to try to explore other parts of myself and be authentic to how I am personally feeling in the moment. Therefore I brought this change of dynamic to the dance floor in future weeks, by breaking this tendency and concentrating on myself and what I want, and what I need.
One week I turned up a little overwhelmed and scatty, and I would be drawn to putting the crown of my head on the floor to in some way dissipate all the tension away. Another week I would be feeling rather excitable and I would want to shake off all this energy that needed releasing, moving quite frantically around the room. One week I did not dance upright as I did not want to leave the floor, I found having my entire body outstretched on the ground very comforting. I would move from having my back down to my front down and slip and slide between these positions, moving sensually and slowly and feeling a strong connection to this hard surface, supporting me always. This particular week I was feeling lonely and quite alone in the world, so the floor was representing a lover and the support it gave me was nourishing— I know it is always there for me when I need it.
There were some beautiful moments during the term, when playful things happened as I was interacting with one or more others. I was being present in the moment and seeing what happens next, simply enjoying the spontaneity and humour that arose. I enjoyed playing hide and seek, or being tangled up in the rope as if I would never be able to get out of it, spinning round and round and getting caught up in the frantic chaos that I can get attracted to in life. I get such a thrill from connecting with others, whether it is copying their moves and attuning with them, or adding another element of movement, injecting a new idea, to allow the dance evolve. I am an extrovert in life and on the dance-floor, and I live for these magical moments of mischief and frivolousness. I often start playing the fool through silly movements, to remind people that we are living a miraculous and ridiculous life which we will never reach full comprehension of, so they really need to stop taking life too seriously…
I realised half way through the term that I am massively blocked creatively and this has been holding me back in my life to date. I love being creative, I am full of ideas and want to express myself more, but I suppress and repress it. I force myself to stay in my box of logic and normality, my family and society’s expectations of how I should behave. When I was given the chance to move my body in any way I wanted to, I would get a sense of guilt afterwards that I have expressed myself fully. I’d think ‘why am I such a weirdo?’ moving in this way, or worry that people may think I was too much, or taking up too much space during the session. Telling myself I should just play small and not make large expressive movements, not show-off anymore, so as not to intimidate others. If others are threatened by me and judging me for being my most expressed self, then I won’t fit in. Best if I shrink and hide the true me in order to be accepted. It was a big leap for me to confess to the group in the talking circle afterwards about this expression guilt I have, and that I try to hide the weird part of me. I felt listened to and understood by everyone, which was liberating, and I felt my expressive self was allowed and encouraged to thrive in future weeks. Within the safe space that was created, all that was hiding from within can come out.
As we were a group of women, the theme of what it was to be female came up a lot. I felt a sense of anger that women for over centuries have not been allowed to express themselves, not allowed to have their voices heard, not allowed to do or be whatever they wanted to. Women’s bodies have been seen as shameful, and shouldn’t be flaunted so they won’t be seen as a prostitute. I felt it my duty to break this cycle for all my ancestors who have been wronged before me, so I danced this out. It was empowering to be able to express my sexual and creative self through movement of my body with a group of women. It was not done in a way to entice or perform for a man, it was done for the joy of expression and for the celebration of being alive. One female encounter that sticks out in my mind was when a group of us started dancing in a circle together in the middle of the room and moving around slowly, in tune with each other, using defined hand movements and keeping keen eye contact with each other, the energy between us was electric. I felt like we had gathered here as witches to perform a ritual, like we were moving around a cauldron casting a mystical spell.
My most bizarre experience was the time when everyone felt that we were in a jungle. No words were needed, we all just felt it in our bodies, it was coming from the collective unconscious. It was similar to a psychedelic experience, time was warped, I was no longer in Goldsmiths, I was somewhere else. I became a tiger! I started crawling around on the floor and watching everyone else amongst the high grasses that I had a vision of, I was eyeing up everyone as I was a hunter. I felt very powerful in that moment, I was embodying a new found confidence, “Watch out, here comes the Tiger! Here comes the new Iona”. I could feel some people move away from me in fear as I crawled across the whole floor aggressively. I embodied the archetype of a tiger and afterwards I felt completely transformed. It is such powerful work because after that session, I have found a new courage to make my dreams come true. I have the tiger’s confidence to make things happen in my life.
What is so important is that all these realisations have come to me from within myself, through an integrated experience, not from someone else telling me how to think or feel. I am more in tune with my feelings than ever before, and it has been necessary to embody them, to feel the connection to my body to allow them to flow. In giving space to myself each week, in this contained space, I have allowed myself the chance to go within and observe and become aware of the subtleties of my psyche. I am allowing all the feelings to flow now, and all feelings are welcome: from excitement and joy to sadness and longing, from a feeling of being crazy to allowing my raw sexuality to be expressed.
The biggest learning is that whatever is going on from within, is a reflection on what is going on in your outer world. All is revealed on the dance-floor if you tune in to observe it, so if I wish to continue making changes in my outer world, I need to keep on going within to see what is going on inside, to understand what is holding me back and what bad patterns I need to break.
Then I can allow my life to radically flourish.
And I embrace this onward journey to get closer to the real me.
