Casually contemplating my death
I’ve got friends who are anti-vaxxers. Some of them believe that it is a plot to depopulate the planet by reducing the strength of our immune systems or making us infertile, and some think it is a way to microchip everyone (not entirely sure how and surely there could be an easier way of doing it?!) I like to go about my life trusting in the world so I did the expected thing to act on NHS’s call to action to sign up and get the miracle vaccine injected into me.
However, I hadn’t thought about the anti-vaxxers who just think that the vaccines are a bit experimental still, and are concerned about side effects.
So I took the vaccination 2 days ago. Haven’t changed my facebook profile photo to declare this, soz.
And I am experiencing strange reactions in my body… YIKES. The day after I had an unusual nose bleed, saw a lot of blood in the toilet (TMI) and developed a strange bruising on my left breast. Today I am sore under the armpits, and most worrying to me currently is pain in my chest and shortness of breath. What is going on?! Dammit, should I have paid attention to the anti-vaxxers?! Well let’s hope that it is temporary and I’ll be fine soon. Probably a good sign that my body is reacting, shows my immune system is responding, I assure myself.
But I also let my mind wander down the road of… but what if I have done something deadly to my body? Yes of course there are some incredibly rare cases of people who have severe reactions and end up fighting for their lives in hospitals, but what if I am one of those rare cases? Like the lottery, you have to be in it to win it, the odds are low but someone WILL win it. Maybe my time is up, this is it, I managed to get to the grand old age of 37. I can say that I have outlived Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana I suppose.
3 things spring to mind:
1. What do I want my funeral to look like
2. I never got round to making a will (it has been loitering at the bottom of my to-do list for a long time) and…
3. Am I satisfied with my short time on Planet Earth?
FUNERAL PLANS
OK, I could go tomorrow after a heart attack in the night, so I had better spell it out here. Clearly my legacy is going to be having the world’s most epic virtual funeral! With a global audience. It’ll have to feature on BBC news, obvs. We’ll get Co Reality Collective and Sparkle to create an imaginary world on a website that looks like an awesome / mad festival where people can roam around celebrating my life and death. There’ll blatently be an epic online dance party that goes on for hours, put on by PopUp Boogie and wicked DJs, everyone will have to dance their socks off, and play lots of silly games. There’ll be a sharing space where people can exchange stories about me, I am sure they will mainly be ridiculous, thrown in with fun memories or moments they had with me. I’d love it if people can make up stories about how I would have lived the rest of my life if I hadn’t unfortunately died from the vaccine, the more outrageously out-there the scenarios the better. Then maybe an ideas tent, where any [good, if poss] ideas I had can be discussed, and maybe taken out into the world now I am not in it. Oh and… no one is allowed to wear black, no way!!! It will be a fabulous, colourful event, like a carnival. And the speeches… I never got married so I haven’t had the chance to have a mega speech made about me, so this has to be the big one, I am delegating to Alice Mayor for this, and I hope it kick starts her epic public speaking career. Awwww I am actually sad I won’t be able to attend it… I guess I will be watching on from another dimension.
WILL
Divide half my money (let’s face it, the only thing of value I own is my house) between my sisters, niece and nephew, housemates, and close friends. With the other half, set up a fund called ‘Save the World’, which can be invested into projects pitched by social entrepreneurs to a Dragon’s Den line up of judges. How are we saving the world? Look to the hippies… Agricultural regeneration, ideas that foster greater connection, environmental initiatives… and anything to do with sponsoring aspiring conscious dance leaders.
Leave my cryptos until they eventually sky rocket (everyone tells me they will go up, #HODL!) then invest in some epic retreat centre out in nature somewhere stunning, dedicated to the exploration of conscious movement and celebration of human connection, complete with permaculture garden. Call it ‘Iona legacy centre’.
Don’t go through any of my notepads, please burn. Very embarrassing.
LIFE REFLECTIONS ON MY DEATH BED
How did I live my 37 years?
Well there is a lingering sadness that I never met The One. I am, pathetically, a hopeless romantic who believes in soul connections, and have been sure that there is an incredible love energy that can fill every cell in my body with divine energy, that bubbles out into the world and raises the vibration of the planet, which will be finally unlocked when I find…him. But I failed at whatever hurdle was put in front of me to find this ultimate love. (It might be because when I was 17 I received a junk email saying “Forward this email onto 25 people otherwise your love life will be cursed for the next 20 years” and I never did. Oops.)
But seeing as though I am not living til 90 anymore, I am pretty happy that I didn’t have just ONE man. I had loads of lovely boyfriends, lovers, holiday flings, non-sexual-yet-still-intimate encounters, wild dates and disastrous/ hilarious dates. A whole variety of romantic experiences that is the buffet of my love-life feast. Have concluded that it would have been boring if I met him during fresher’s week at uni! Also probably a good thing I haven’t had kids cos they would be motherless now.
‘Hashtag No Regrets’, although I do regret spending way too many years stuck behind an excel spreadsheet for companies I didn’t resonate with, feels like a waste of life. All those days in the office, did I ever enjoy any of it? Maybe when someone cracked a joke in a meeting, the Friday night after-work drinks, the rare moment of appreciation I received for producing something I didn’t care about? What the hell was the meaning of that part of my life anyway? Maybe it was for me to see what life can be like before you break through, a reference point to compare to the other side, when you wake up to the world in technicolour.
My favourite memories of my life have been when I have been part of or created experiences. Whether it was a girlie singing performance group ‘The Samson Jazz’ when I was 12, making up wacky games on the school bus for us all to play, the time I invented and ran a toddler music & dance class ‘Little Rhythm’ for a year, and all those many ‘Sports Days’ that Alice & I ran…. we all laughed until our bellies hurt!! The egg & spooning race, the balloon fencing and the pie-in-your-face challenges, SO silly. And ALL the festivals I ever went to… the music penetrating my soul, the dancing that went on and on into the night, the colourful costumes, the electric atmosphere, the smiling people, all the magic and beauty of creation… pure heaven.
When your this-is-your-life moment passes through your eyes in a short space of time, what is it that you see? For me it is travel, adventures, being in stunning nature, treasured moments with friends & family, creative projects, performing, moments of hilarity, discoveries that blow me away, meeting other wonderful souls and all the times I felt bliss and joy. These are the best moments of our lives.
And although I didn’t manage to do all the things I wanted to do, go to all the places I wanted to go to, didn’t set up that ground-breaking business, I definitely have had a wild old glorious life! Am so grateful that I felt a huge range of the human spectrum of emotions that make me feel so alive.
I could go now and be happy with my 37 year lot :) !!!
Iona McNeil – THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
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But the thing is, I am probably going to survive my COVID vaccine, so I am gonna have to crack on with existence, carry on achieving goals, plod on making decisions and wonder if I will ever settle down and figure it all out… UGH…
